Expectations

I remember as a child the excitement of Christmas. Christmas was a HUGE deal in my family with 7 children. It was over the top. We did so many things and had so many traditions building up to, and on the big day. I remember feeling like it was an eternity between Christmases and how sad I was when it was over.

For Advent we had an Advent wreath and each Sunday evening of Advent before dinner we would read from the Bible and say a special prayer. We made lots of cookies and decorated a beautiful tree with ornaments we each got every year. We had lights outside in our yard, candles in the windows, and my mom decorated the house. Of course we had to get gifts, too. There was special food, music and TV shows and all kinds of magic and excitement leading up to the big day.

One of my favorite memories from Christmas growing up was that we went out to eat for Christmas Eve dinner and then drove around and looked at lights in the nearby neighborhoods. I loved this. Going out to eat was a super special treat for us. We rarely went out to eat, especially as a whole family. That drive of looking at neighborhood lights was a peak moment where the anticipation, magic and wonder was palpable and the gifts were still ahead of us.

We never opened gifts until after Sunday morning mass and after our special breakfast. We opened our gifts one by one. It was an almost all-day activity that I treasured. We didn’t rush through it. I know it felt hard when we were little but I so appreciate that with all the work and effort we savored and took our time opening all of the gifts. We gave each gift and each other our full attention.

Thank you for indulging me on my trip down memory lane and sharing a glimpse of my Christmas past. So much of this season was the month before the big day with the anticipation and build up with its many events and traditions. These memories are part of what make this season so special. They create an expectation of what the season “should” be.

Expectations around the holiday season can be a tricky dance. The looking forward to and the anticipation of traditions and special things are one of my favorite parts of the holiday season. The wondering and dreaming of what is to come is part of the fun and can make this season that much more special. Studies confirm this, that there is additional happiness and pleasure with the anticipation and looking forward to something.

But the other part of this tricky dance is related to the Anne Lamott quote, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Expectations can add joy but they can also set us up for disappointments and resentments. Things may not live up to our expectations of what we wanted it to be and how we had hoped the experience would go, so then we are upset, disappointed and sometimes resentful.

This is a season of a lot of emotions and sometimes BIG emotions that are amplified by the good and the bad — in addition to the tiredness and stress. When you want something to be special and it doesn’t live up to your expectations it feels that much more distressing, especially if you have spent time, money and energy on it. Yet if you have low or no expectations you miss out on things and may only get what you wish for.

I want to and am trying to savor and notice what I enjoy and look forward to during the holiday season. With all the demands and “expectations” of what I “need” to do, I know I can get stressed and I see many others overwhelmed too. That is NOT fun and does not feel good for me or for those around me who can feel my stress too.

An expectation is a hope of what you want to have happen. How can we avoid the resentment of too high expectations and unmet hopes?

A common theme for me is “What is Enough?” There is a fine line of what is too much. I want to be selective in what I choose to do and commit to. What is a “have to” and what is a “want to”? What can I let go of, so that I have more time and peace and real connection with those I want to be with? (Although I have to admit I am struggling HUGE with actually doing this – HA, it is definitely easier said than done.)

This can be challenging. I don’t really have a good solution. I am writing about this because I struggle with this and was thinking about and noticing the two extremes around expectations – the good and the bad.

I think that if we are more conscious and careful we can still enjoy and look forward to things, maybe fewer things, without creating resentments. We need to be selective in what we choose to do and what is important to us. “Under promise and over deliver” is the rest of the Anne Lamott saying. Yet you don’t want to under promise and set the bar so low that you are not even looking forward to things and nothing feels special. (But I know plenty of people who dread this season because of all the madness and trying to fit in too much.)

Most of us, are trying to do too much. With fewer obligations and more space during this busy season we can share more quality time with each other (and ourselves) which is all I really want.

Gifts are an expression of love. What are other ways we can express love? Quality time is my love language so I have a bias for that. Words of affirmation is my husband’s love language. I need to remember that. So instead of being critical of him because I “expected” him to help me with the many holiday things I committed to, the best gift would be to compliment him and tell him what I truly love and appreciate about him.

But I digress…Think about how you want this holiday season to go and how you want to feel. Think about that. Write it down, describe it. Then think about how you can make that happen so you get what you truly want and what is most important to you.

It is so easy to get carried away with what sounds good or what you think you have to do because you have always done it. I am all for traditions but start over and only select or do those things that you want most, to create the feelings and a holiday season that you can look forward to and ENJOY. Less can be more.  Having a few special things to look forward to can feel so much better than cramming in too much and feeling tired, stressed and not being able to love or appreciate any of it.

And if things don’t go as planned or don’t meet expectations, focus on the intention, notice the positive, try to laugh and make a good story out of it, and let go of the rest.

Wishing you a joy filled holiday season filled with love and all that you hope for it to be.